The Ugly Duckling Part 3

PRINCE (amazed). Is that so? I’ve never read history. I thought I was being profoundly original.
PRINCESS. Oh, no! Now I’ll tell you my secret. For reasons very much like your own, the Princess Camilla, who is held to be extremely plain, feared to meet Prince Simon. Is the drawbridge down yet?
PRINCE. Do your people give a faint, surprised cheer every time it gets down?
PRINCESS. Naturally.
PRINCE. Then it came down about three minutes ago.
PRINCESS. Ah! Then at this very moment your man Carlo is declaring his passionate love for my maid Dulcibella. That, I think, is funny. (So does the PRINCE. He laughs heartily.) Dulcibella, by the way, is in love with a man she calls Eg, so I hope Carlo isn’t getting carried away.
PRINCE. Carlo is married to a girl he calls “the little woman,” so Eg has nothing to fear.
PRINCESS. By the way, I don’t know if you heard, but I said, or as good as said, that I am the Princess Camilla.
PRINCE. I wasn’t surprised. History, of which I read a great deal, records many similar ruses.
PRINCESS (laughing). Simon!
PRINCE (laughing). Camilla! (He stands up.) May I try holding you again? (She nods. He takes her in his arms and kisses her.) Sweetheart!
PRINCESS. You see, when you lifted me up before, you said, “You’re very lovely,” and my godmother said that the first person to whom I would seem lovely was the man I should marry; so I knew then that you were Simon and I should marry you.
PRINCE. I knew directly I saw you that I should marry you, even if you were Dulcibella. By the way, which of you am I marrying?
PRINCESS. When she lifts her veil, it will be Camilla. (Voices are heard outside.) Until then it will be Dulcibella.
PRINCE (in a whisper). Then good-bye, Camilla, until you lift your veil.
PRINCESS. Good-bye, Simon, until you raise your visor.
(The KING and QUEEN come in arm-in-arm, followed by CARLO and DULCIBELLA, also arm-in-arm. The CHANCELLOR precedes them, walking backwards, at a loyal angle.)
PRINCE (supporting the CHANCELLOR as an accident seems inevitable). Careful! (The CHANCELLOR turns indignantly around.)
KING. Who and what is this? More accurately who and what are all these?
CARLO. My attendant, Carlo, Your Majesty. He will, with Your Majesty’s permission, prepare me for the ceremony. (The PRINCE bows.)
KING. Of course, of course!
QUEEN (To DULCIBELLA). Your maid, Dulcibella, is it not, my love? (DULCIBELLA nods violently.) I thought so. (To CARLO) She will prepare Her Royal Highness. (The PRINCESS curtsies.)
KING. Ah, yes. Yes. Most important.
PRINCESS (curtsying). I beg pardon, Your Majesty, if I’ve done wrong, but I found the gentleman wandering—
KING (crossing to her). Quite right, my dear, quite right. (He pinches her cheek, and takes advantage of this kingly gesture to say in a loud whisper) We’ve pulled it off!
(They sit down; the KING and QUEEN on their thrones, DULCIBELLA on the PRINCESS’ throne. CARLO stands behind DULCIBELLA, the CHANCELLOR on the right of the QUEEN, and the PRINCE and PRINCESS behind the long seat on the left.)
CHANCELLOR (consulting documents). H’r’m! Have I Your Majesty’s authority to put the final test to His Royal Highness?
QUEEN (whispering to KING). Is this safe?
KING (whispering). Perfectly, my dear. I told him the answer a minute ago. (Over his shoulder to CARLO.) Don’t forget. Dog. (Aloud) Proceed, Your Excellency. It is my desire that the affairs of my country should ever be conducted in a strictly constitutional manner.
CHANCELLOR (oratorically). By the constitution of the country, a suitor to Her Royal Highness’ hand cannot be deemed successful until he has given the correct answer to a riddle. (Conversationally) The last suitor answered incorrectly, and thus failed to win his bride.
KING. By a coincidence he fell into a moat.
CHANCELLOR (To CARLO). I have now to ask Your Royal Highness if you are prepared for the ordeal?
CARLO (cheerfully). Absolutely.
CHANCELLOR. I may mention, as a matter, possibly, of some slight historical interest to our visitor, that by the constitution of the country the same riddle is not allowed to be asked on two successive occasions.
KING (startled). What’s that?
CHANCELLOR. This one, it is interesting to recall, was propounded exactly a century ago, and we must take it as a fortunate omen that it was well and truly solved.
KING (to QUEEN.) I may want my sword directly.
CHANCELLOR. The riddle is this. What is it which has four legs and mews like a cat?
CARLO (promptly). A dog.
KING (still more promptly). Bravo, bravo! (He claps loudly and nudges the QUEEN, who claps too.)
CHANCELLOR (peering at his documents). According to the records of the occasion to which I referred, the correct answer would seem to be—
PRINCESS (to PRINCE). Say something, quick!
CHANCELLOR. —not dog, but—
PRINCE. Your Majesty, have I permission to speak? Naturally His Royal Highness could not think of justifying himself on such an occasion, but I think that with Your Majesty’s gracious permission, I could—
KING. Certainly, certainly.
PRINCE. In our country, we have an animal to which we have given the name “dog,” or, in the local dialect of the more mountainous districts, “doggie.” It sits by the fireside and purrs.
CARLO. That’s right. It purrs like anything.
PRINCE. When it needs milk, which is its staple food, it mews.
CARLO (enthusiastically). Mews like nobody’s business.
PRINCE. It also has four legs.
CARLO. One on each corner.
PRINCE. In some countries, I understand, this animal is called a “cat.” In one distant country to which His Royal Highness and I penetrated it was called by the very curious name of “hippopotamus.”
CARLO. That’s right. (To the PRINCE.) Do you remember that ginger-coloured hippopotamus which used to climb on my shoulder and lick my ear?
PRINCE. I shall never forget it, sir. (To the KING.) So you see, Your Majesty—
KING. Thank you. I think that makes it perfectly clear. (Firmly to the CHANCELLOR.) You are about to agree?
CHANCELLOR. Undoubtedly, Your Majesty. May I be the first to congratulate His Royal Highness on solving the riddle so accurately?
KING. You may be the first to see that all is in order for an immediate wedding.
CHANCELLOR. Thank you, Your Majesty. (He bows and withdraws. The KING rises, as do the QUEEN and DUCIBELLA.)
KING (to CARLO). Doubtless, Prince Simon, you will wish to retire and prepare yourself for the ceremony.
CARLO. Thank you, sir.
PRINCE. Have I Your Majesty’s permission to attend His Royal Highness? It is the custom of his country for Princes of royal blood to be married in full armor, a matter which requires a certain adjustment—
KING. Of course, of course. (CARLO bows to the KING and QUEEN and goes out. As the PRINCE is about to follow, the KING stops him.) Young man, you have a quality of quickness which I admire. It is my pleasure to reward it in any way which commends itself to you.
PRINCE. Your Majesty is ever gracious. May I ask for my reward after the ceremony? (He catches the eye of the PRINCESS, and they give each other a secret smile.)
KING. Certainly. (The PRINCE bows and goes out. To DULCIBELLA) Now, young woman, make yourself scarce. You’ve done your work excellently, and we will see that you and your—what was his name?
DULCIBELLA. Eg, Your Majesty.
KING. —that you and your Eg are not forgotten.
DULCIBELLA. Coo! (She curtsies and goes out.)
PRINCESS (calling). Wait for me, Dulcibella!
KING (to QUEEN). Well, my dear, we may congratulate ourselves. As I remember saying to somebody once, “You have not lost a daughter, you have gained a son.” How does he strike you?
QUEEN. Stupid.
KING. They make a very handsome pair, I thought, he and Dulcibella.
QUEEN. Both stupid.
KING. I said nothing about stupidity. What I said was that they were both extremely handsome. That is the important thing. (Struck by a sudden idea.) Or isn’t it?
QUEEN. What do you think of him, Camilla?
PRINCESS. I adore him. We shall be so happy together.
KING. Well, of course you will. I told you so. Happy ever after.
QUEEN. Run along now and get ready.
PRINCESS. Yes, mother. (She throws a kiss to them and goes out.)
KING (anxiously). My dear, have we been wrong about Camilla all this time? It seemed to me that she wasn’t looking quite so plain as usual just now. Did you notice anything?
QUEEN (carelessly). Just the excitement of the marriage.
KING (relieved). Ah, yes, that would account for it.