Ugly Duckling part two

And the next part

CHANCELLOR (hurriedly). Indeed, yes, Your Majesty. (The KING relaxes)
QUEEN. And Great-Aunt Malkin said—(to the KING)—what were the words?
KING. I give you with this kiss
A wedding day surprise,
Where ignorance is bliss,
‘tis folly to be wise.
I thought the last two lines rather neat. But what it meant—
QUEEN. We can all see what it meant. She was given beauty—and where is it? Great-Aunt Malkin took it away from her. The wedding-day surprise is that there will never be a wedding day.
KING. Young men being what they are, my dear, it would be much more surprising if there were a wedding day. So how—
(The PRINCESS comes in. She is young, happy, healthy, but not beautiful. Or let us say that by some trick of makeup or arrangement of hair she seems plain to us: unlike the Princess of the storybooks.)
PRINCESS (to the KING). Hallo, darling! (Seeing the others.) Oh, I say! Affairs of state? Sorry.
KING (holding out his hand). Don’t go, Camilla. (She takes his hand)
CHANCELLOR. Shall I withdraw, Your Majesty?
QUEEN. You are aware, Camilla, that Prince Simon arrives to-day?
PRINCESS. He has arrived. They're just letting down the drawbridge.
KING (jumping up). Arrived! I must—
PRINCESS. Darling, you know what the drawbridge is like. It takes at least half an hour to let it down.
KING (sitting down). It wants oil. (To the CHANCELLOR.) Have you been grudging it oil?
PRINCESS. It wants a new drawbridge, darling.
CHANCELLOR. Have I Your Majesty’s permission—
KING. Yes, yes. (The CHANCELLOR bows and goes out.)
QUEEN. You’ve told him, of course? It’s the only chance.
KING. Er—no. I was just going to, when—
QUEEN. Then I’d better. (She goes to the door.) You can explain it to the girl; I’ll have her sent to you. You’ve told Camilla?
KING. Er—no. I was just going to, when—
QUEEN. Then you’d better tell her now.
KING. My dear, are you sure—
QUEEN. It’s the only chance left. (Dramatically to heaven) My daughter! (She goes out.) (There is a little silence when she is gone.)
KING. Camilla, I want to talk seriously to you about marriage.
PRINCESS. Yes, father.
KING. It is time that you learnt some of the facts of life.
PRINCESS. Yes, father.
KING. Now the great fact about marriage is that once you’re married you live happy ever after. All our history books affirm this.
PRINCESS. And your own experience too, darling.
KING (with dignity). Let us confine ourselves to history for the moment.
PRINCESS. Yes, father.
KING. Of course, there may be an exception here and there, which, as it were, proves the rule; just as—oh, well, never mind.
PRINCESS. Go on, darling. You were going to say that an exception here and there proves the rule that all princesses are beautiful.
KING. Well—leave that for the moment. The point is that it doesn’t matter how you marry, or who you marry, as long as you get married. Do you follow me so far?
PRINCESS. Yes, father.
KING. Well, your mother and I have a little plan—
PRINCESS. Was that it, going out of the door just now?
KING. Er—yes. It concerns your waiting maid.
PRINCESS. Darling, I have several.
KING. Only one that leaps to the eye, so to speak. The one the—well, with everything.
PRINCESS. Dulcibella?
KING. That’s the one. It is our little plan that at the first meeting she should pass herself off as the Princess—a harmless ruse, of which you will find frequent record in the history books—and allure Prince Simon to his—that is to say, bring him up to the—In other words, the wedding will take place immediately afterwards, and, as quietly as possible—well, naturally in view of the fact that your Aunt Malkin is one hundred and fifty-two; and since you will be wearing the family bridal veil—which is no doubt how the custom arose—the surprise after the ceremony will be his. Are you following me at all? Your attention seems to be wandering.
PRINCESS. I was wondering why you needed to tell me.
KING. Just a precautionary measure, in case you happened to meet the Prince or his attendant before the ceremony; in which case, of course, you would pass yourself off as the maid—
PRINCESS. A harmless ruse, of which, also, you will find frequent record in the history books.
KING. Exactly. But the occasion need not arise.
A VOICE (announcing). The woman Dulcibella!
KING. Ah! (To the PRINCESS) Now, Camilla, if you will just retire to your own apartments, I will come to you when we are ready for the actual ceremony. (He leads her out as he is talking; and as he returns calls out.) Come in, my dear! (Dulcibella comes in. She is beautiful, but dumb.) Now don’t be frightened, there is nothing to be frightened about. Has Her Majesty told you what you have to do?
DULCIBELLA. Y—yes, Your Majesty.
KING. Well now, let’s see how well you can do it. You are sitting here, we will say. (He leads her to a seat.) Now imagine that I am Prince Simon. (He curls his moustache and puts his stomach in. She giggles.) You are the beautiful Princess Camilla whom he has never seen. (She giggles again.) This is a serious moment in your life, and you will find that a giggle will not be helpful. (He goes to door.) I am announced: “His Royal Highness Prince Simon!” That’s me being announced. Remember what I said about giggling. You should have a far-away look upon the face. (She does her best.) Farther away than that. (She tries again.) No, that’s too far. You are sitting there, thinking beautiful thoughts—in maiden meditation, fancy-free, as I remember saying to Her Majesty once. . . .speaking of somebody else . . . fancy-free, but with the mouth definitely shut—that’s better. I advance and fall upon one knee. (He does so.) You extend your hand graciously—graciously, you’re not trying to push him in the face—that’s better, and I raise it to my lips—so—and I kiss it—(he kisses it warmly)—no, perhaps not so ardently as that, more like this (he kisses it again), and I say, “Your Royal Highness, this is the most—er—Your Royal Highness, I shall ever be—no—Your Royal Highness, it is the proudest—” Well, the point is that he will say it, and it will be something complimentary, and then he will take your hand in both of his, and press it to his heart. (He does so.) And then—what do you say?
DULCIBELLA. Coo!
KING No, not Coo.
DULCIBELLA. Never had anyone do that to me before.
KING. That also strikes the wrong note. What you want to say is, “Oh, Prince Simon!” . . . Say it.
DULCIBELLA (loudly). Oh, Prince Simon!
KING. No, no. You don’t need to shout until he has said “What?” two or three times. Always consider the possibility that he isn’t deaf. Softly, and giving the words a dying fall, letting them play around his head like a flight of doves.
DULCIBELLA (still a little over-loud). O-o-o-o-h, Prinsimon!
KING. Keep the idea in your mind of a flight of doves rather than the flight of panic-stricken elephants, and you will be all right. Now I’m going to get up, and you must, as it were, waft me into a seat by your side. (She stars wafting) Not rescuing a drowning man, that’s another idea altogether, useful at times, but at the moment inappropriate. Wafting. Prince Simon will put the necessary muscles into play—all you require to do is to indicate by a gracious movement of the hand the seat you require him to take. Now! (He gets up, a little stiffly, and sits next to her.) That was better. Well, here we are. Now, I think you give me a look: something, let us say, half-way between the breathless adoration of a nun and the voluptuous abandonment of a woman of the world; with an undertone of regal dignity, touched, as it were, with good comradeship. Now try that. (She gives him a vacant look of bewilderment.) Frankly, that didn’t quite get it. There was just a little something missing. An absence, as it were, of all the qualities I asked for, and in their place an odd resemblance to an unsatisfied fish. Let us try to get at it another way. Dulcibella, have you a young man of your own?
DULCIBELLA (eagerly, seizing his hand). Oo, yes, he’s ever so smart, he’s an archer, not as you might say a real archer, he works in the armoury, but old Bottlenose, you know who I mean, the Captain of the Guard, says the very next man they ever has to shoot, my Eg shall take his place, knowing Father and how it is with Eg and me, and me being maid to Her Royal Highness and can’t marry me till he’s a real soldier, but ever so loving, and funny like, the things he says, I said to him once, “Eg,” I said—
KING (getting up). I rather fancy, Dulcibella, that if you think of Eg all the time, say as little as possible, and, when thinking of Eg, see that the mouth is not more than partially open, you will do very well. I will show you where you are to sit and wait for His Royal Highness. (He leads her out. On the way he is saying) Now remember—waft—waft—not hoick.
(PRINCE SIMON wanders in from the back unannounced. He is a very ordinary-looking young man in rather dusty clothes. He gives a deep sigh of relief as he sinks into the King’s throne. . . .
CAMILLA, a new and strangely beautiful CAMILLA, comes in.)
PRINCESS (surprised). Well!
PRINCE. Oh, hallo!
PRINCESS. Ought you?
PRINCE (getting up). Do sit down, won’t you?
PRINCESS. Who are you and how did you get here?
PRINCE. Well, that’s rather a long story. Couldn’t we sit down? You could sit here if you liked, but it isn’t very comfortable.
PRINCESS. That is the King’s Throne.
PRINCE. Oh, is that what it is?
PRINCESS. Thrones are not meant to be comfortable.
PRINCE. Well, I don’t know if they’re meant to be, but they certainly aren’t.
PRINCESS. Why were you sitting on the King’s Throne, and who are you?
PRINCE. My name is Carlo.
PRINCESS. Mine is Dulcibella.
PRINCE. Good. And now couldn’t we sit down?
PRINCESS (sitting down on the long seat to the left of the throne, and, as it were, wafting him to a place next to her). You may sit here, if you like. Why are you so tired? (He sits down)
PRINCE. I’ve been taking very strenuous exercise.
PRINCESS. Is that part of the long story?
PRINCE. It is.
PRINCESS (settling herself). I love stories.
PRINCE. This isn’t a story really. You see, I’m attendant on Prince Simon, who is visiting here.
PRINCESS. Oh? I’m attendant on Her Royal Highness.
PRINCE. Then you know what he’s here for.
PRINCESS. Yes.
PRINCE. She’s very beautiful, I hear.
PRINCESS. Did you hear that? Where have you been lately?
PRINCE. Traveling in distant lands—with Prince Simon.
PRINCESS. Ah! All the same, I don’t understand. Is Prince Simon in the Palace now? The drawbridge can’t be down yet!
PRINCE. I don’t suppose it is. And what a noise it makes coming down!
PRINCESS. Isn’t it terrible?
PRINCE. I couldn’t stand it any more. I just had to get away. That’s why I’m here.
PRINCESS. But how?
PRINCE. Well, there’s only way, isn’t there? That beech tree, and then a swing and a grab for the battlements, and don’t ask me to remember it all—(He shudders)
PRINCESS. You mean you came across the moat by that beech tree?
PRINCE. Yes. I got so tried of hanging about.
PRINCESS. But it’s terribly dangerous!
PRINCE. That’s why I’m so exhausted. Nervous shock. (He lies back and breathes loudly.)
PRINCESS. Of course, it’s different for me.
PRINCE (sitting up). Say that again. I must have got it wrong.
PRINCESS. It’s different for me, because I’m used to it. Besides, I’m so much lighter.
PRINCE. You don’t mean that you—
PRINCESS. Oh yes, often.
PRINCE. And I thought I was a brave man! At least, I didn’t until five minutes ago, and now I don’t again.
PRINCESS. Oh, but you are! And I think it’s wonderful to do it straight off the first time.
PRINCE. Well, you did.
PRINCESS. Oh no, not the first time. When I was a child.
PRINCE. You mean that you crashed?
PRINCESS. Well, you only fall into the moat.
PRINCE. Only! Can you swim?
PRINCESS. Of course.
PRINCE. So you swam to the castle walls, and yelled for help, and they fished you out and walloped you. And next day you tried again. Well if that isn’t pluck—
PRINCESS. Of course I didn’t. I swam back, and did it at once; I mean, I tried again at once. It wasn’t until the third time that I actually did it. You see, I was afraid I might lose my nerve.
PRINCE. Afraid she might lose her nerve!
PRINCESS. There’s a way of getting over from this side, too; a tree grows out from the wall and you jump into another tree—I don’t think it’s quite so easy.
PRINCE. Not quite so easy. Good. You must show me.
PRINCESS. Oh, I will.
PRINCE. Perhaps it might be as well if you taught me how to swim first. I’ve often heard about swimming, but never—
PRINCESS. You can’t swim?
PRINCE. No. Don’t look so surprised. There are a lot of other things which I can’t do. I’ll tell you about them as soon as you have a couple of years to spare.
PRINCESS. You can’t swim and yet you crossed by the beech tree! And you’re ever so much heavier than I am! Now who’s brave?
PRINCE (getting up). You keep talking about how light you are. I must see if there’s anything in it. Stand up! (She stand obediently and he picks her up.) You’re right, Dulcibella. I could hold you here for ever. (Looking at her.) You’re very lovely. Do you know how lovely you are?
PRINCESS. Yes. (She laughs suddenly and happily.)
PRINCE. Why do you laugh?
PRINCESS. Aren’t you tired of holding me?
PRINCE. Frankly, yes. I exaggerated when I said I could hold you for ever. When you’ve been hanging by the arms for ten minutes over a very deep moat, wondering if it’s too late to learn how to swim—(he puts her down)—what I meant was that I should like to hold you for ever. Why did you laugh?
PRINCESS. Oh, well, it was a little private joke of mine.
PRINCE. If it comes to that, I’ve got a private joke, too. Let’s exchange them.
PRINCESS. Mine’s very private. One other woman in the whole world knows, and that’s all.
PRINCE. Mine’s just as private. One other man knows, and that’s all.
PRINCESS. What fun. I love secrets. . . . Well, here’s mine. When I was born, one of my godmothers promised that should be very beautiful.
PRINCE. How right she was.
PRINCESS. But the other one said this:
“I give you with this kiss
A wedding day surprise,
Where ignorance is bliss,
‘tis folly to be wise.”
And nobody knew what it meant. And I grew up very plain. And then, when I was about ten, I met my godmother in the forest one day. It was my tenth birthday. Nobody knows this—except you.
PRINCE. Except us.
PRINCESS. Except us. And she told me what her gift meant. It meant that I was beautiful—but everybody else was to go on being ignorant, and thinking me plain, until my wedding day. Because, she said, she didn’t want me to grow up spoilt and willful and vain, as I should have done if everybody had always been saying how beautiful I was; and the best thing in the world, she said, was to be quite sure of yourself, but not to expect admiration from other people. So ever since then my mirror has told me I’m beautiful, and everybody else thinks me ugly, and I get a lot of fun out of it.
PRINCE. Well, seeing that Dulcibella is the result, I can only say that your godmother was very, very wise.
PRINCESS. And now tell me your secret.
PRINCE. It isn’t such a pretty one. You see, Prince Simon was going to woo Princess Camilla, and he’d heard that she beautiful and haughty and imperious—all you would have been if your godmother hadn’t been so wise. And being a very ordinary-looking fellow himself, he was afraid that she wouldn’t think much of him, so he suggested to one of his attendants, a man called Carlo, of extremely attractive appearance, that he should pretend to be the Prince, and win the Princess’ hand; and then at the last moment they would change places—
PRINCESS. How would they do that?
PRINCE. The Prince was going to have been married in full armor—with his visor down.
PRINCESS (laughing happily). Oh, what fun!
PRINCE. Neat, isn’t it?
PRINCESS (laughing). Oh, very . . . very . . . very.
PRINCE. Neat, but not so terribly funny. Why do you keep laughing?
PRINCESS. Well, that’s another secret.
PRINCE. If it comes to that, I’ve got another one up my sleeve. Shall we exchange again?
PRINCESS. All right. You go first this time.
PRINCE. Very well. . . . I am not Carlo. (Standing up and speaking dramatically) I am Simon!—ow! (He sits down and rubs his leg violently.)
PRINCESS (alarmed). What is it?
PRINCE. Cramp. (In a mild voice, still rubbing) I was saying that I was Prince Simon.
PRINCESS. Shall I rub it for you? (She rubs.)
PRINCE (still hopefully). I am Simon.
PRINCESS. Is that better?
PRINCE (despairingly). I am Simon.
PRINCESS. I know.
PRINCE. How did you know?
PRINCESS. Well, you told me.
PRINCE. But oughtn’t you to swoon or something?
PRINCESS. Why? History records very similar ruses.